25 Apr 2013

IT WASN'T NOTHING. ALRIGHT.

These three days were hell enough to keep me tired but still, as always I will stucked until early morning, trying to sleep. And last night I had this terrible headache which I feel my head just exploding and everything turned dark and this morning I woke up with non stop dizziness. Maybe its just for a while since I'm not having this problem, or just fucked up stress with all problem coming rushing, torturing every cells in my body system. Once, you're that one who on the dial list, you're the one who always preparing shoulders when I feel like crying. I never deny, he such a darling. Always took care of me, and that time I feel like i have nothing to worry about. And yes, he's the one whom never make me stop laughing, who never ever get tired of teasing me. I cant delete you from my mind even I've try for thousand time. I hate what you're doing to me. Crying would feel good now. I miss the way you stared at me when I'm having problem and you're closed your eyes, I dare to look at you, deeply. But I've realized that perfectness doesn't exist in a person. Maybe it just exist in a connection, a relationship that we called marriage. Maybe aku kata. Maybe. And that is what love is.

When I think about you not being here, by my side as you did before, eh jap. Actually I'm thinking of you all the time. It makes me sick, like my stomach do some dubstep and ripping it deeply. I miss you so much and its physically hurt. I always talking about you with Abah, and everytime Abah ask me how was with us, I feel a knot in my throat. Really like, erm. I cant picture myself with anyone but you. Only you. Just you. And as time goes by, how I wish a change for me, but still it doesn't make sense. It never goes away, even when I hate you for leaving me hanging, for not loving me enough as I did, it doesn't became a matter. I cried myself to sleep wishing I could feel you close to me one more time, and I wish I could just stop feeling because it torturing me much. I want to take a step, move on. Want to walk away and just remember you every now and then as someone I was fond of. Am really tired and frustrated. Cant continue being hurt and fucked around like this. I hope too much and in the end, you're leaving. I play it cool, I cry when no one sees me. I dream of you, and this is fuck. Im in terrible.

So this is the most pain ever, the pain that I never thought I will have to go through. I learnt that we cant put trust on someone wholeheartedly even how much thay had melted you at the first place. Ya Allah, if he is not worth thinking, please I'm begging take away this pain ya Allah.